Branch Patterson

By Sol Smith

I sank down in my chair and put my head deep into my geology book, pretending to care what grade I might get on my test the next day. Branch Paterson walked right past me, and I seemingly went unnoticed. I breathed out a sigh of relief, knowing that there was yet a chance for me to harvest some productivity out of my afternoon. Although I hadn’t seen Branch since high school, I knew that he was the sort of guy who could turn your life into one gigantic meaningless conversation two hours at a time.

Feeling out of danger, I put my geology book down for the moment, and picked up the latest issue of Weird Tales. Ever cautious, I watched Branch sit down on the opposite side of the cafeteria, next to several unlucky chumps. I kept him in the corner of my eye, so I could monitor any changes in his location that could prove to be threatening to my constitution. Any sudden movement, and I could pick up my geology book and disappear into the inner working of the Earth’s hot core to escape an onslaught of dribbling garbage that Branch Paterson would be certain to spill all over me.

I suppose that my least favorite thing about the kid, if it could be pinpointed, would be that it was difficult to come up with a solid, individual complaint about him. He wasn’t mean, and he only means well. He would just tax you a third of your day, and leave you wondering what had just happened to you. And if you were to complain about it, the person on the other side of that complaint would say something to the effect of: “He’s a nice guy;” or “Be nice to him, he means well;” or my least favorite “Silly ol’ Branch, when will he ever learn that no one really cares about his third grade soccer team?”

After all, a friendly fellow he was. And perhaps a good one, too. But nevertheless, a minute spent with him was one wasted. We are only allotted so much time on this planet. He just had a way of making you regret your precious existence. He had the profound ability to make your mind wander into far off places that you’ve never imagined. It’s a disgusting ability, actually, as you discover that his ramblings take all sovereignty away from your cranial capacities.

The strangest thing about Branch was that from time to time, he had friends. The strangest incident of that was Clairese McDuffy, my high school sweetheart. A girl unique and beautiful in every way. There was nothing about the girl that wasn’t astonishing; from her auburn hair, to her auburn toe polish. But the most astonishing thing is that she was friends with Branch Paterson. I suppose that she was childhood friends with him or something. It was he that introduced her to me freshman year. They later dropped out of touch, as I took up most of her time. What was a wonderful thing like her doing being friendly to a nightmare like him? Eventually, she dropped out of touch from all of us. She moved to Maine directly from high school, and gave me her number in my yearbook. But in writing her number, she used a 1989 Bic Easygrip II ballpoint pen—the pen that was later recalled due to a freak accident. They were mistakenly filled with disappearing ink. My happiness vanished with her number.

I made a mistake when I became lost in memories and self-pity! I stopped looking to Branch, and he had left his seat. He was heading directly for myself! I had to look busy, and I had to do it instantly. I knew that the only to possibly look busy enough to have him leave me alone was to actually become busy.

Quickly, I picked up geology book. I glanced in his direction; he was still coming towards me. Then for a few moments I studied harder than I had ever studied before in my life. I crammed my brain full of facts about molten lave, hot magma, the crust, the core, the mantle, plate tectonics, polar shifts, atmospheric densities, absolutely ever small factor that went into what the Earth is. I studied so harshly and truly that for a brief moment my intellect sparked into action and I became one of the world’s leading authorities on the subject of geology. All I had to do was hold on to this phenomenon a bit longer, and I would have enough knowledge to propel myself to a high paying job predicting earthquakes for the government. But it wasn’t to be.

“Harold? Good God, it’s actually you!” And with those words, Branch Paterson jolted my geological quest and sent it crashing into millions of tiny fragments that I could never pick up and again retain.

“Hey there, Branch,” I returned. “How long’s it been anyway?”

“Two years. High school graduation is the last time I saw you.” Branch helped himself to the seat across from me. I began to mentally prepare myself to waste an hour or so of my life, but I would try to get out of it one more time.

“I’d love to talk, Branch, but I really need to study for this geology midterm. I don’t know anything about the Earth or how it works, pivotal factors to the subject.”

“You need to take a break. You’ve been studying too hard, anyone can see that. So you just sit back in that little chair of yours and let me tell you something that you might find interesting.”

“No, for the sake of God, Branch. I’m oh so busy, why don’t you email your interesting story to me, that way I can read it over and over.”

Branch Paterson let out a hardy chuckle. “You know me better than that, Harold. I don’t have a computer, I don’t go in for all that technology crap.”

“Damn it all, Branch. I have to go.” With that, I stood up and rudely walked off.

“Fine, I just thought you might be interested to hear what I have to say about Clairese McDuffy.”

It was the one thing he could have said to stop me in my tracks. Time suddenly stood still and I had a hard time assessing what was happening. Suddenly, new and exciting neuropath ways began to fire in my brain and I was able to take in the strange experience. The instant that this extraordinary phenomena began to be understood by me, the Earth began its revolution anew, and the rotation likewise commenced. The people around me started to come back to life, slowly at first, then up to speed. Before an instant had passed, the world was as it was.

But how was it that this geek, this dweeb, this useless snivel of a person should have something to tell me about Clairese McDuffy? Regardless if it was true or not, surely I would have to hear what it was that he had to say. Surely I would have to give it the time of day. I spun around to face him.

“What is it, Branch? What do you have to say about Clairese McDuffy?”

Branch smiled an almost malicious smile, as if he knew that he had me hooked. He had won the battle, now it was only a matter of how much time and energy he wanted to suck out of my life force and add to his.

“Have a seat, Harold.”

I slowly walked back to the chair that I had previously occupied. I sat down in it with the same manor that a condemned man would sit in the electric chair.

“I’m at your mercy, Branch. I want to, nay need to know the whole story.”

Branch cracked his knuckles and licked his chops, like any other animal would do before devouring his victim.

“It’ll be my pleasure, Harold.” Branch leaned back in his seat to achieve a more comfortable position. “It all started with my third grade soccer team. We were undefeated and going into the championship game. Reginal Franklin was out with a bad ankle, so I had to take his place-“

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