im in punctuation prison

by lloyd hudson frye

it started out innocently enough with emails to my friends where i didnt bother to capitalize the first word then i stopped bothering with periods and since i never could figure out on my own where commas went it was all downhill from there

my disrespect for proper english began in the sixties when advertisers deliberately misspelled words to get your attention like krazy and skool they seemed to flaunt their spelling errors like it didnt matter

then ebonics came along and toysrus with the r backwards soon all the madison avenue seemed to be in a race to the bottom in literacy

even where i grew up missouri became missoura and new orleans became nawlins

the entire country seemed hellbent on destroying the language between the slurring and lazy pronunciation and the endless capitalizing every letter in a word for effect i became indifferent to proper english

in an act of defiance i submitted a short story to a virtual writers workshop to show my freedom from tradition knowing full well the reviews would be critical and with any luck meanspirited guess i was frustrated with the endless commas inside parenthesis pointing out my inadequacy as a writer

at first i thought that claiming the shift quotes comma and period keys were missing would be my excuse knowing no one would buy it still once the story started flowing onto the page i couldnt stop myself

like a bad little boy insisting on doing something hes been told a million times not to do i kept typing away a sly smile plastered on my face the entire time even when word would automatically change the word by capitalizing or inserting an apostrophe i would override it

with the story done and not so much as a reread to check for awkward phraseology or conjunctive adverbs between main clauses i plowed on skipping every known punctuation mark in an insane powerdive into the unknown abyss

the story stayed on the floppy a day or two as the thrill of disobedience waned then after seeing a story on the read page where the writer didn’t capitalize the first letter of their first or last name i popped my disc in and hit control a then control c then hit submit on short story page without a second thought

immediately after putting it up on the read page for the entire world to see i had second thoughts at first I was afraid no one would bother opening the file with such an illiterate title and promotional header but soon after I got worried people would read and review it for what it was a childish waste of everyones time

i even worried that the site administrator would be asked by numerous members to bar me from ever posting again an eternal banishment for sins against the literate after all i had already been told that my omission of periods at the end of quotes had offended and greatly irritated the reviewer

still in my heart there was a smile a smile that no commas told where to pause no periods to denote the end of the sentence no semicolon to indicate a related but independent clause was next heaven was at hand the gates of pearl where within sight the streets of gold just up ahead eternal bliss just seconds away could this be the brave new world order i had heard so much about

two hours after posting the piece the reviews started ouch they were scalding with distain and judgment hurtful things like try another profession and thanks for wasting my time and at first there appeared something significant being said but in the end nothing was said

the words were so hateful and condescending that i pulled the story after three days and left the workshop thinking that was a bad idea

i like writing stories or more accurately i like telling stories that sound believable but are made up as i go along and i dont want to have to constantly worry if im in first person or third person or in past present or past active or actively passive or what ever people keep saying ive done wrong in my stories

a month later there was a loud knock at the door and two men in dark gray suits were standing there with grim faces and badges inside new leather wallets of some sort

are you lloyd frye

maybe

sir just answer the question

if i dont then what

sir we have a warrant to arrest any male at this address

can i see it

the man closest to the door reached into his jacket whipped out a folded document of some sort held it up just long enough for me to read the words federal bureau of investigation then tucked it back inside his jacket

i felt faint as they pulled their weapons smiles appearing on their faces

lie flat on your face and put your arms behind your back

is there something wrong officer

you are under arrest for violating the new law of english as the official language of the united states you have a right to be silent anything you say may be held against you in a court of law if you cannot afford an attorney one will be provide at no expense to you do you understand these rights

my name is lloyd hudson frye i am a citizen of the united states of america and of republic for which it stands my social security number is valid and has not been used for fraudulent purposes i speak nonpunctuated and noncapitalized english

i thought it was a clever statement to make but the handcuffs were pushed so tight i soon regretted the stand i took immediately

you have to be one of the dumbest men ive ever heard of

thank you officer im sure you meant that in the nicest way

bet you wont have that smart mouth for too much longer

hope youre right its been a curse forever

when we reached the detention center it was not a police station or any type of jail id ever heard of hydraulic doors whooshed open and closed quickly behind us the two men who had never even said their names deposited me in a small room with a table and two chairs the single naked 100 watt nonsoft white bulb glared from a high ceiling i began to worry that I was in real trouble it was at least an hour before a stern expressionless man in a uniform walked in and sat across from me

do you know why youre here

yes i think its because it because ive been a bad boy

close youre here because under the new law of english as the official language if a person knowingly uses bad grammar or uses improper punctuation when they know better it will be an act of sedition against the united states punishable by law

youve got to be kidding me i know our elected officials aren’t the brightest matches in the box but making bad grammar illegal is absurd

the officer stood up laughed and left the room

i was lead to a cell with a cot a blanket a sink and a seatless toilet in the corner the night passed slowly as i watched small roaches mill around looking for food that wasnt there there were 37 of them and three silverfish at least i think there was 37 they all look alike you know

morning came unannounced as a guard banged on my door and told me to follow him he was old and had the walk of an experienced escort he led me into a glass portioned area with a long bench four other men were already there sitting on the bench i didnt look at them at first but it got awkward to not speak since they were talking about what charges they were facing it seems we were all in for the same thing not speaking or writing proper english we all agreed these charges would be dismissed that no one goes to jail over grammar

my name was called and I was lead out into a long narrow lowceiling room with three military men at a long table at the far end I sat down at the defendants table next to a young man barely twenty or so that seemed to be looking for my paperwork among the piles of briefs in front of him

whats your name

lloyd hudson frye

here it is oh my there’s a story you submitted in public where you refuse to punctuate and capitalize the words theres not much ill be able to do for you im afraid they have written proof of your attempt to overthrow our government

what are you talking about

you know the new law

i thought that was just finally admitting to the obvious that we are an english speaking people in america

yes that was part of it but another part was to use the law to deport anyone that refused to speak english after a year in the country

but millions cant speak english that live here already and millions more butcher the language so bad subtitles have to be put on the tv screen during interviews

yes true enough

then why am i under arrest

because you were born here and still refuse to use proper english a troublemaker if you will

this is insane

i cant help you here they have your story as evidence youre going to prison for sure im going to plead you guilty as charged with no extenuating circumstances

i want to defend myself

im afraid thats not allowed in a military tribune

let me get this straight a government that sat back and let 20 million russians 10 million asians 30 million mexicans 20 million south americans and untold number of terrorists trot across our borders refusing to pay taxes or even bothering to speak the language is determined to imprison me for a little fluff piece on a website that had commas missing

thats right

i dont believe this is happening

im sorry

so am i

the middle general or whatever he was asked me if i wrote the story he was reading as he tilted his head up to use his bifocals

well it depends what youre reading your lordship

its titled im in punctuation prison how prophetic of you

its my story your excellency

you have a smart mouth on you dont you

obviously its not as smart as my brain

the general looked at each of the officers at the table neither batted an eye apparently indicating no mercy for this one

tajikistan and then a large stamp pounded the table as my file received destination in upper right hand corner

two big mps grabbed me and ushered me out of the room they seemed to enjoy digging their steely fingers deep into my arms as they hauled me away I yelped in pain but that seemed to only make them squeeze harder

the next day I was strapped to some cargo netting in a giant c4 troop transport and spent the next day and ahalf dozing off

the landing was rough we taxied down the final runway the hazy sunlight dulled my senses as I was lead to one of the many low barracks buildings on the base

good luck smart mouth

i turned to say something but they were half way up the ramp before i could think of a good comeback that was the last english i heard for a year the men on this base were russian or some other kind of slovak guttural speech that scraped my nerves with each syllable i was lead to a small cramped room with a large wooden chair and straps to match there i was beaten slapped spiton kicked poked cut jabbed sliced bleed pounded dissected peeled burned ripped and given unknown chemicals maggot infested food until I was in a constant state of delirium

after 12 months of torture i was given a piece of paper and a pencil then left alone for a day and a night when they returned i handed over of paper on it was written

To Whom It May Concern:

I, Lloyd Hudson Frye, do solemnly swear to use the King’s English is the most formal and proper manner possible. I will avoid slang, colloquial, and slurred speech at all costs. I will always end a quotation with a period, inside the quotation marks. Further more I will review rules of punctuation daily and aspire to provide “flawless” writing in the future, with complete back-stories and eloquent phraseology to show not tell a story. This, I swear upon threat of death and dismemberment. I make this statement of my own volition and without any duress.

A week later I was flown back to my old apartment and released. As the car pulled out, I thought I heard someone say, “Smart Mouth.”

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